I cried, I did

It feels good to be able to cry your heart out without concerns or fear of being seen, being criticized, being pitied, being heard. It’s just you and your hurts talking. And I did that last night in the car while driving home. It felt good. And I arrived home as if nothing happened. I thought my drama was over. But before going to sleep, there I was again, in my melancholic, despondent state, wanting to cry all over again. I was looking at my twin boys deeply asleep and I told myself, okay girl, you cry. They won’t see you, they won’t hear you. And so I cried, no, I howled -  deep, long howling -  in my bathroom until  I exhausted myself I had to drag my feet out of the bathroom onto my bed.

I have not cried for more than a year now. No, I did not cry at all when my ex-husband and I parted ways. I kept telling myself I should be strong. But now realizing the damage I did to myself, always keeping my emotions at bay, holding my tears from falling, showing people my strong stance, laughing at every opportunity, telling friends I am more than okay – all these self-esteem damage control measures are taking a toll on me. Now I am feeling the burden of my deep-seated pain, it wants to go out, it feels so heavy and my heart is complaining. I should have cried, I should have stopped pretending everything was fine, I should have let go. But I did not do that. I did not want people to pity me. As always, I was concerned about what people would say. I am an idiot!

No one sees my pain, not my children, not my friends, not my family and relatives. Not a single soul.  Only I see and feel my pain. Thanks to driving home alone. Now I know a place and a time to release my pent-up emotions when I need to.